In the past, especially during my younger days I was a little on the hot headed side, often acting without thinking and more often than not it landed me in bother. These days I'm a lot more calm and collected and tend to think things through before going through them. I've also learnt with some help from therapy it's not a bad thing to ask for advice and listen to the advice given. If it wasn't for a friend recently I would have had a very silly tattoo done and would have probably regretted it for the rest of my life, (Thank you again for talking me out of that one!)
What's also changed for me is the way I interact with people who I don't like. Where as before I would just be polite to them and try to still find a way to engage with them on some sort of level I've realised that I don't need to make an effort with those people any more. It goes back to the idea that I wasn't good enough and maybe if I could get them to like me it would make me feel better. I'm think of people like Ryan or Jon, mentioning no surnames but those would know my past would recognise those two names as people I had a little bit of an issue with and for one of them had to be restrained from attacking them on more than one occasion.
Now if I come across someone I don't particularly like, I try to take the high ground and just ignore them. Working where I am this can be a little tricky as there are people who come into the bowl that I can't stand and would love nothing more than to ban them from the centre, however I know that I can't do that. I have to remain professional at all times which can be a challenge, let me tell you. I do my job with them, but I don't go beyond that, all the banter and friendliness I show my other customers goes right out of the window.
Why this change? As I've gotten older and more mature, I've realised I don't have to please everyone, not everyone is going to like me and that's alright. I'm not everyone's cup of tea as they say. I can have a very dark and strange sense of humour sometimes, I'm a proud geek and I love to talk about the things I'm passionate about. If you get into a conversation with me about any of the following don't expect to leave for at least an hour....Films, espeically those of my childhood (The Goonies, Ghostbusters, Princess Bride, Gremlins etc), Wreslting particularly the attitude era and more specifically why Chris Jericho is the greatest at what he does in the world today, British Sci-FI TV shows, think of Red Dwarf, Doctor Who, Torchwood etc.
RIght I'm back from that slight tangent. So it's taken me a long time to realise that I don't have to be liked by everyone and as long as the people who I care about actually like me then I'll be fine. It's weird, almost like a switch went off in my head one day when it suddenly hit me that this was ok. It's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like me, it's not going to affect me in any big way. I just carry on and think its there loss.
I'm being more honest and open with my feelings these days and I've opened up a little about my mental struggles, but a newer, more resilient version of me is now emerging. I'm not listening to that little voice in the back of my head telling me to confront people about things I've heard they've been saying about me, I've walked past people in the street who before I would have made awkward small talk with, now I just walk on by, pretending they don't exist, which to me they don't.
What's the point of this ramble I hear you ask, basically to tell the world that I don't give a shit about what you think of me now. I'm living my life, I'm going to do what I want when I want with who I want. I'm not going to bend over for people that I don't care about anymore and that's the bottom line 'cus Stone Cold said so!
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