.I've been told that to get my feelings out in the open is better for me as in the past I've had a habit of bottling it all up inside of me and then it explodes in some not very nice ways.
On that note here goes: I'm sat here in a hotel room in wet and rainy Luton getting ready to meet up with El Presidente, Nathan Spencer for the first time in I think 13 years and I've got multiple things running through my mind.
Jemma, my soon to be ex-wfe, told me yesterday that she wants a divorce and that she's seeing someone else. The seeing someone else isn't surprising she's a great girl and I wish her nothing but the best for the future. I've so far resisted the urge to facebook and google the hell out of the guy, I don't know how long that will stay in place mainly due to the fact that what good will it do me anyway? I can't change her mind about being with me and I've come to accept we are over. She has told me that she wants to be friends and be in my life but at the moment I can't do that. It's not that I don't care for her, I do, and always will but to have that deep level of commitment with someone and then have it taken away is something I just can't do at the minute. Maybe with time things will change and one day I'll wake up and see a funny meme or video and think of her and send it over to her but for the minute I just can't. I'd love to be able to spend time with her as friend but we both know that's not going to happen.
As I said before I want her to be happy and for the time being that is without me, at least in my opinion it is. I hurt her and she was right to end the relationship but we had been drifting along for far to long, we took each other for granted and didn't communicate properly which is very much a nail in the coffin for any relationship isn't it.</p><p>So what else is going on in my head, the future, the past, the present all intermingling with each other, I need a new life and I'm not sure where I'll end up. I've given my word to my current employers that I'm going to stay until after christmas but after that I need to get out of Boston, it's not the same place as I grew up in and in all honesty I don't like the place much anymore. I'm looking at America, Canada even Barbados. The only thing I need is a fresh start. I don't have many friends in Boston, I kind of lost all the people I used to hang around with on a regular basis when me and Jemma broke up. So I've spent a lot of time travelling, reconnecting with people from my uni day, hence the reason why I'm in a hotel room in Luton.
In Boston all I do is work and go to the gym really, with the occasional trip to the cinema (Gladiator II is worth a watch by the way!) so at the minute all I'm looking forward to are these little trips away. I've got a fun filled couple of days planned and am going to attempt to cross off at least two off the list!
So why am I writing, as you know, if you've read my previous entries, I had one or two thoughts of doing something very silly and last night was the first time in the last couple of months that they came back to the surface, I laid awake at 2.13am and thought what would happen if I wasn't there anymore. Would it be that different if I just wasn't there one day.....What would be my legacy on this planet? A shed load of DVD's that someone would have to sort out. Hopefully some good memories for some people but really I don't have that one defining moment yet. So that led me down a line of thinking about what can I do and it dawned on me that maybe just maybe I don't have to do anything, I'm trying to make myself be the best person I can, it's not an easy route I've got a lot of things to make up for but I'm trying to be the best me that I can. It's going to take a while but I will get there.
So that was written before meeting up with Nayf.....he had a surprise for another member of The Dream Ticket made an appearance...the almighty JP. Was nice to catch up with them and have a verynice pint of Guiness, but it made me realise how much I've changed since we had offices next to each other, when doing the space hopper challenge was considered an important daily task. It made me look back on all the people who used to be in my life that for one reason or another I've lost contact with or have a bare minimum social media like friendship with. A lot of it's to do with geography and the fact that we don't live anywhere near each other anymore, it has made me want to make more of an effort with people, Boston isn't to friendly for me at the minute in some circles so maybe it's time to reconnect with more people and get out there!
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