2025 New Year, Better me.

Where to begin? 2024 was a rollercoaster of a year for me, I've been through things I never thought I would have to face but I'm still alive and kicking so that's got to be a good thing hasn't it? At one point I reached the lowest point of my life, I found myself on Grantham train station, very slightly inebriated thinking of just throwing myself in front of the next high speed train and ending it all. Obviously I didn't as I'm still here. Why am I putting this out there in the realms of the public? Is it for sympathy? No. It's to show myself how far I've come this year. I've reached the bottom and am on my way back up......slowly.

So it's no secret my marriage broke down, 16 years together and it all ended. I won't go into details because I want to respect her privacy but I want it out there I wish her nothing but the best for the future, she was, and still is a beautiful, caring person who deserves to be happy, that's without me in her life and although it took me a while to come to terms with it, I've accepted it and grown as a person, they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think I can confirm that is true and it's also true that time heals. I don't think I'll ever be 100% over it but life goes on and we adapt.

Now why did I think about ending it? I've always had a bit of a problem with self respect, I've always thought of myself as second rate and anything good that I've done in my life has always been done better by someone else. I was always happy to blend into the background and be the supporting cast member. I felt with the breakdown of marriage I'd let everyone down, I thought I was worthless and that things would be better for everyone if I wasn't around anymore. At the time I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my life and I didn't like what I'd become.

Simply put I let myself go, I ballooned up to over 18 1/2 stone and for someone of my height I looked awful, I felt awful. I was out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs. My body was breaking down on me, I've had a lump at the bottom of my back that has been diagnosed as a bleed on my spine that has cauterised against my spinal colloum, it was only much later on in the year that a similar lump has been found behind my knee cap and the doctors have advised me this is why I have the issues in my left hand.

This isn't a pity party, I want to make that very clear, this is all about self realisation that things needed to change in my life, I've make some drastic changes to my lifestyle. I've cut down on the crap that I used to eat and stopped drinking fizzy drinks. I've joined a gym and actually really love going, I've lost over 5 1/2 stone, I've taken up yoga and although I'm very much a beginner I can feel the benefits. I haven't felt this good in years and it's something that I'm proud of. It's so nice to bump into someone I haven't seen in months and they comment about how good I'm looking. It gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside that my hard work is paying off and it's worth it.

It wasn't just physically I let myself go either, I stopped doing things I enjoyed, stopped pushing myself intellectually, I was happy to just float along and just waste hours in front the tv. I've started writing again, this blog obviously but also a couple of screen plays and even a book idea that I've got floating around in my head. I've started learning Italian and I've started studying philosophy again, Mr Edwards would be proud of me after all these years. Something people probably don't know about me is that for my A-levels I studied philosophy and really enjoyed it but stopped when I left QEGS, it's been challenging trying to remember all those old lessons about Jeremy Bentham and his Utilitarian Views that I used to know so well but I'm loving the challenge.

I also stopped interacting with people, old friends that I put on the backburner, maybe a little comment on facebook for their birthdays or a jokey message when there team lost to spurs (a very rare thing), but this year has made me see things differently, I've reconnected with so many people. Made some memories that I will also cherish (I'm thinking of you Emma, stuck in that rope maze at Phantom Peak!) It's made me appreciate my family all the more, they've helped me through my darkest hours, giving me love and unconditional support and without them I don't think I would have come through this year, so to them I say thank you.

There's a long way to go until I'm fully happy with my self but it's all about baby steps, trying to be that little bit better each day, this was echoed when I heard the phrase New year, Better me. I think that's something that everyone can get behind. Just trying to be a little bit better, maybe don't have that fourth slice of pizza, maybe take the stairs instead of the lift, maybe send a message to someone you haven't spoken to in a long time. Just don't do what I did and just float along, push yourself to be that little bit better, trust me you'll feel a hell of a lot better for it.