It's kind of hard to put into words some of the feelings I've had in the past. I've touched on my struggles with my self confidence in previous posts, it's always been there in the back of my head like an itch that can't be scratched.
It's hard to explain but I'll try, imagine you got 99% on a test there's always that thing at the back of your mind knowing someone would have got 100%. Nothing ever felt good enough, it felt like I was always trying to match up to other people. Something now as I've got older and much more aware of myself that I realise was very stupid
of me. I should have concentrated on what made me happy, how I could improve myself and not to give two shits about what other people felt about me.
It's taken a lot of self realisation that I lost myself when I was in the long term relationship, I've already gone on about how I let myself go, physically and mentally so I'm not going to go over old ground again. But that brings me on to today. I've spent a lot of time chatting and messaging old friends, some of whom have known me for over 35 years (god doesn't that make me feel so old!) and it's been a real eye opener for me to hear what they have to say about everything that's happened to me. A few home truths have been delivered and I'll be the first to admit nearly all of them have been well deserved.
Now I'm not going to say who it was that sent me the voicemail, because I don't want to embarrass her by showing that she has a caring side after years of cultivating an uber-bitch, don't fuck with me personality. But the words she left really struck a chord with me, she said that she can see the old Brendan coming back,
She says I've come alive again, I'm more fun loving, more outgoing and more me and that she hasn't seen that in years.
Now I've listened to the voicemail at least a dozen times and it's helped me look back at things. I've taken off the rose tinted glasses that I had on and maybe I could and should have seen things weren't right for a long time, the signs were there but I chose to ignore them, bury my head in the sand and just carry on regardless. She has a point, there were times I should have spoken up, should have confronted people about what was going on but at the time I wasn't equipped mentally to do that sort of thing.
Now I've got a little bit more about me, I know myself worth, I know that I'm better than I was before, I'm pushing myself to be better and it's great when people are seeing that and saying that it's good to see the old me back. I like to think of it as the old me but with upgrades, I'm happier within myself than I have been in a long time, I'm a leaner, meaner (in the right places!) version of myself. There was a long running joke at university centred around a wrestling gimmick that Matt Hardy had when he dubbed himself the sensei of Mattitude, we all jumped on board this and obviously I became the sensei of brenatude.....it feels apt now that I feel a bit more like that, showing the world what I can do one little challenge at a time, trying to my best self and if the opportunity comes to hit someone with a twist of fate onto a table then I'd be up for that!!
So back to the voicemail, it gave me that warm fuzzy feeling, you know the one. The one that radiates from your tummy area and gives you goosebumps, knowing your hard work is paying off and people are seeing it. I wont lie it felt good, the sort of good that I wish could bottle and take a sip when things are getting me down. She won't know how much it means to me that she broke with tradition and was actually nice for a change, I'm joking she's always been nice to me, mainly because I'm scared of what she would do to me if I pissed her off to much. But it meant a lot and she's not the only one who's said it to me so maybe for once I'll take the complement and carry on the upwards trajectory!
As a complete sidenote and something that I've just found out apparently the warm fuzzy feeling has a name is Kama Muta, it's not quite as catchy as Hakuna Matata but I thought it was worth sharing! On that note I really now have to watch The Lion King again...and then some Matt Hardy mattitude moments!
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